Hand me a Wipe?

I'm in the shower, just finished brushing my teeth.
Daughter: Can you give me a wipe daddy?
Daddy: Sure Honey, but why?
Daughter:  I have poop in my butt.
Daddy:  ah....Well let me check you then.
I checked, and saw no signs of any 'left overs'
Daddy:  Your all good.
Daughter:  Was there poop?
Daddy: No honey.  Why did you think there was?
Daughter: Cause it was on my finger when I checked.

Sleep #1

Do Other Kids Really Do Things Like This?

Let me set the stage:
- There is a social worker in our home, because we were having a teen to live with us for a week or two.  The social worker talking about future situations.  I told the kids to stay in their room and clean.
Daddy:  Hey guys, make sure you stay in your room and clean up.
Kids: Ok
 - Literally, one minute later I hear them arguing
Daddy: Hey guys, you need to be quiet and clean up.
Kids: OK
 - Literally, 30 seconds later I hear them Laughing and yelling hysterically
Daddy: Hey really need you guys to stay quiet.
Kids: OK
 - So I come back out to the living room and talk with the social worker for a few more minutes.  When my daughter comes out laughing up a storm.  And says the following - in front of the social worker:
Daughter (Laughing, yells out): BUBBY IS PULLING DOWN MY PANTS! HA HA HA!
 - I'm speechless...(FYI, he wasn't really doing it we found out later.)

A Scar?

Daughter:  Daddy, can I get a scar for my birthday?
Daddy: You mean a car?
Daughter:  No I want a scar and a wand.
Daddy:  What are you talking about?
Daughter:  LIKE HARRY POWDER!  He has a scar on is head, and he has a magic wand.
Daddy:  Don't you think it would hurt?
Daughter:  Daddy, <*frustrated sigh*> just do it!

The Beast Movie

Daughter:  Daddy, I like the Beast Movie!
Daddy: Oh you mean, 'The Sandlot'?
Daughter: Yeah and that boy says 'Holy Sh##'
Daddy: Oh...yeah...hey that's a bad word - don't say that...